He Gets To Eat
by redplanetes
Summary: Beware the ides of March. A gastronomic quest, grocery list, and journal of meals.
1. Chapter 1

(Legal mumbo-jumbo: I do not own the rights to Jeepers Creepers and all that.)

**He Gets To Eat**

- a Gastronomic Quest, grocery list, and journal of meals

* * *

Day 1 - March 15 (42.162N, 89.845W) 

MUST GET HEART!

Woke up feelin' like crap. Mouthful a' dust, dry as a bad well and tastin' a rotten turdstools. Hungry enough to drag m'self out an' scrounge, though.

Scrounge, heyll. Nothin' but the best.

Sniffed out a young buck pissin' in the dirt beside his wheels. I plunged a hand b'twixt his ribs, grasped that flutterin' heart and ripped my prize free with a schlurp. The buck fell twisting while his stunned eyes watched me stuff the steamy fistful inter my jaws.

Ohhh, it was juicy, tender and almost effervescent. I felt so much better after that fine breakfast. I oughta have one every day.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Day 2 - March 16

nose  
heart  
dust masks

Spent all day cleaning the lair. Excessive dust def'nitely a hazard. M' nose got all clogged an' useless.

Used some warm roadkill as bait to rustle up a decent sniffer. The lady could smell that stank from a mile away; a fine-tuned honker if ever I tasted one. Not much meat, but so damn crunchy, it hit the spot. To cleanse my palate, I grabbed a heart on my way outta town.

Note to self: Don't forget dust masks.


	3. Chapter 3

Day 3 - March 17

gizzard  
lft. arm  
heart

Dang, but if my pylorus warn't killin' me all day...figurtively speakin', that is. Jes' too worn out to digest anything but isself. An' innards of my standards are slim pickins around here, of late. Might be time to roll down the road a-ways, towards the maturin' crops.

I always try ter keep 'em in rotation, anyway.

Finally got the truck runnin' in the late afternoon. Perfect timing; they always bite better 'round about sunset. An' so do I.


	4. Chapter 4

Day 4 - March 18 (41.822N, 89.107W)

left foot  
heart  
fibulae  
gall bladder

Moved over to a factory town. 

The wind here is conveniently steady. If I drive around a bit an' park jest right, I can smell the whole ant-pile, every last one of 'em. The selection changes with the shift whistle, every eight hours. Plenty of time to make my choices. 

People jest up an' disappearin' ain't nothin new around here. My cull won't hardly be noticed.


	5. Chapter 5

Day 5 - March 19

heart  
cervical spine  
spleen  
gullet  
descending colon

Even easy pickin's can be hard on the digestion. 

I was browsin' through the household of a fecund nightshift worker, and searchin' for the source of a most magnetic aroma. The eldest son - a man already - put a servin' of buckshot right through my innards. 

Well, his heart was delicious, but he warn't much use. It was the mother of the family, after all, who was smellin' so good. Her an' her pretty little neck.

I kept her head as a souvenier, and have sewn it to the body of the neighbor that was in her bed. They make a cute couple.


	6. Chapter 6

Day 6 - March 20

jowls  
tongue  
jawbone  
heart  
liver  
ear

These factory-bred critters are abundant, but bland and flabby. I hunted in the outlyin' slums today, hopin' fer a surprise, I guess. 

Well, I got one. Lost face after a manner - took half the night ter get it all back in order. 

Not a wasted hunt entirely; I picked up some fine parts an' a pretty carcass or three.

The sun and moon rule evenly today.


	7. Chapter 7

Day 7 - March 21 (39.857N, 90.136W)

kidney  
rt. arm  
pelvis  
achilles' tendon  
gluteus maximus  
heart  
femoral artery

Drifted on down the road in search of fresh vittles. There's a string of five train cars rotting on an abandoned track. An empty coal car, three boxcars, and half a caboose - forgotten and overgrown all about with tall scrub. They've been a fine habitat for the past few feeds.

The roost was undisturbed, 'cept fer some pungent varmints and the usual weather damage. Didn't take me long to clear 'em out an' dust off the old mounts. They appeared as perky as ever, an' I added a couple after samplin' the local flavors. 

I do believe they're gettin' _taller_.


	8. Chapter 8

WARNING: Cussin'

* * *

Day 8 - March 22 

patella  
lips  
skull  
cuckoobone  
mandible  
heart  
tibia  
dura mater

No wonder it's called the Crow Moon. They're thick as thieves, the murder a' crows that's still roostin' in the coal car. Clever birds. Stayin' on even when there's nothin' left to pick at - every new clutch knows a messy eater lives here. 

Crow shit stinks ter hades. 

Most of this lost train is steel - cain't tell the streaks of rust from the dried blood splattered on it. But these boxcars were floored with planks, and what ain't grey an' cracked as my face is spongy with mildew.

A jill with nice legs fell right through the southern corner. I founds her an hour later, still tryin' to crawl away on her stumps.


	9. Chapter 9

Day 9 - March 23

sweetbreads  
pituitary  
heart  
appendix  
pectorals  
uvula  
brainstem  
eyes  
sternum

Treated myself to gourmet delights today. Sometimes diggin' those tiny morsels out can be sloppy work. If it ain't, I try harder.

Not all of 'em have one, these days. A 'pendix, that is. Long time back, I was gnawin' a robust liver, an' I noticed that tasty little worm had been cut out. Even more peculiar, he'd been sewed back up.

So I had to try it myself. After eatin' his liver, and cauterizin' the worst leaks, I closed his belly. 'Course, the old scar had healed nicely since the victim was pampered back to health. I did some fancy stitches around that prissy little cut, jes' fer fun. Shit-fire, but did he holler.

Kept up the hollerin' and carryin' on for a few days.

I don't figger they can live without most of what's in their skins, but I still try it now an' again.


	10. Chapter 10

Day 10 - March 24

lights  
heart  
tripes  
lymph nodes  
clavicle  
trigeminal nerve  
rib  
zygomatic adductor  
lumbar vertebra  
scapula

Crow guano an' coal dust is a _highly_ volatile brew.

Had to feed rough today. Bits of me was fallin' off all over the place. Jes' et whatever I happened acrost.

Hell's bells, I thought after strikin' th' earth, that was a kick. Watched the cloud of blasted feathers swirl an' flutter away into the sky. Shame about the crows, but there ain't no better way t' get rid of unwanted company.


	11. Chapter 11

Day 11 - March 25 (39.031N, 90.796W)

heart  
heart  
heart  
brachial artery  
heart  
heart  
heart  
heart  
heart  
heart  
heart

Stumbled across a tasty stroke of luck. A minor-league team camped out at that ratty old motel, same one I picked a few dainties from coupla feeds back. Only nowadays, it ain't even a flophouse. More like a roach motel.

All a' those fine, healthy hearts will make pullin' the new wings a little less torturous. For me, anyway.


	12. Chapter 12

Day 12 - March 26

ulna  
orbital arch  
humerus  
middle finger  
heart  
occipital fossa  
rt. hand  
fibula  
abdominal sphincter  
organ of Fundi  
heel  
pericardium

'Cept for the delicious players and their cheapskate manager, there's been no mansign here for threescore year or more. Screamin' an such ain't a concern, nor is the mess I tend to make.

One of 'em was still crawlin' around an fussin. He gave me the finger. I took the hand.

Didn't need any more arm bones, but I et one just for the entertainment. The funnybone. Because it's humerus.


	13. Chapter 13

Day 13 - March 27 (39.857N, 90.136W)

thumb  
cheeks  
larynx  
epiglottis  
radius  
tunica vaginalis  
marrow  
hippocampus  
pineal gland  
heart  
adrenal medulla  
celiac plexus  
inferior vena cava

Ran across a hitcher today. Jes' winged him, to be fair.

What a lickerish prize - he was full a' the most robust and toothsome fodder. In fact, he's still hangin' on, what's left.

Such a fine specimen! Too bad there won't be nothin' much left ter mount. I'll scrape some nice parts together an' make an artist's rendition.


	14. Chapter 14

Day 14 - March 28

ear-finger  
umbilicus  
rotator cuff  
hamstrings  
femoral trochanter  
talus  
heart  
piriformis  
lacrimal duct  
sacrum  
lips  
earlobes  
calcaneum  
parietal pleura

Restless teeth drove me back out. Cain't stand settin' around to eat, it's like cheatin'.

Whatever I fix my sniffer on knows it right soon, and I get a tart li'l burst of musk as the critter goes affright. A heart throbs, the aromas begin to talk. I shop for the quality offerin's like a housewife at market. A squeeze here an' a prod there, they know they're bein' hunted even if they don't know why.

That's what makes 'em worth th' trouble - they're such naïve and amusin' prey. And they look good on a wall.


	15. Chapter 15

Day 15 - March 29

nipples  
heart  
cerebrum  
gluteus medius  
semimembranosus  
eyelid  
sacroiliac joint  
esophagus  
toes  
knucklebone  
mesothelium  
diaphragm  
sternocleidomastoideus  
adam's apple  
manubrium

Got some peculiar jewelry stuck in my teeth this mornin'. Threw me off stride all day.

Those young 'uns can be a puzzlement. For all their savage pretentions, they scare like rabbits. But the pups sure are tender as ever. Next time, I'll jes' yank them rings out beforehand.


	16. Chapter 16

Day 16 - March 30 (38.917N, 91.441W)

elbow  
nostril  
heart  
semitendinosus  
myrinx  
vagus nerve  
scrotum  
collarbone  
incus  
wrist  
plantar fascia  
swinebone  
rectus femoris  
scalp  
gums  
cornea

Found a new hole-up. Smelly old abbatoir in the unfashionable side a' town. All nice an' set up for slaughterin' their livestock - I find the irony satisfyin'.

Made use of the meat locker, though the cooler's broke. I like 'em a bit rank, anyway, but I hate those goddamn flies. The homemade morgue is convenient for those times when it takes all day jes' ter chase down that one scrap of meat I cain't live without. It's good livin' - I come in worn down to the nub, and hung up in there is a whole vault of reekin', aged meat, jes' cryin' to be played with. Some of 'em are beggin', too.

They can take awhile to season, but I don't begrudge the time spent.


	17. Chapter 17

Day 17 - March 31

perineum  
anatolian bump  
inion  
pubis  
philtrum  
iliopsoas  
aural helix  
phalanges  
subclavian vein  
armpit  
adductor magnus  
shin  
calf  
heart  
cisterna chyli  
teats  
ribs

Wouldn't think it, but some of their best parts are the obsolete ones. Many a' organ's just fer pretty, now, like it ain't got nothin' better to do than taste good.

I b'lieve it's called _domestication_.


	18. Chapter 18

Day 18 - April 1

Didn't have the _heart_ to eat anything today.

So, I jes' fasted, did a little bit of sewin'.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

April Fool!


	19. Chapter 19

Day 19 - April 2 (38.214N, 92.685W)

semicircular canals  
aorta  
iliotibial band  
ring finger  
ankle  
heart  
jaw  
acromion  
glenoid fossa  
acetabulum  
knee pit  
abdominal sinews  
atlas spinebone  
foramina  
ischium  
marrow  
olecranon process  
hilum

I love campers. They get especially pungent, pretendin' to be nomads in their little tents. Easy enough to sniff 'em out, but I like to spend the whole night messin' with 'em.

Some stranges sounds to lure 'em out, and then I pick the tenderlin's off one by one. The woods make a pretty neat trap, not a one of 'em got out.


	20. Chapter 20

Day 20 - April 3

cerebellum  
adductor brevis  
occipital bun  
heart  
biceps femoris  
trapezius  
umbo  
duodenum  
farmer's lobe  
cecum  
ureter  
pancreas  
McBurney's point  
mediastinum  
pleura  
crura of the ring  
flank  
arc of Riolan  
os coxae  
Fallopian ligament

It's gettin' to be some work fulfillin' my daily cravin's.

Many of the squirmy little chunks jes' fall right into my lap, like they knew how hungry I was for that particular flavor. Even so, most of 'em have to be chased down, scared into smellin' good, and that don't even count diggin' through the mess of innards to get at the right mouthful.

Style an' strategy, plus an unhealthy dose of old fashioned chance - that's what gets me fed.


	21. Chapter 21

WARNING: Managed to work some nastiness inter this. Necrophilia.

* * *

Day 21 - April 4 (39.407N, 92.291W)

hallux  
mobile wad  
anconeus  
dorsal hide  
heart  
medulla oblongata  
shruggin' thews  
eyelids  
lft. manus  
toequick  
bronchi  
phonator  
tongue  
horsetail  
pollex  
pia mater  
optic nerve  
hyaline cartilage  
suspensory ligament of the penis  
physis plates  
pineal gland

Don't know why it should be, but taste buds have no flavor at all. Ain't complainin' - everything else underneath them bumps is _uncommonly_ savory. Eatin' 'em right outta the rind makes me giddy and ruttish.

Pokin' them dead shells ain't as much fun as you'd think, though - no screamin' or wigglin' or _nothin'_. Jes' chilly, sticky, fartin' meat.

Then again, it ain't so bad, neither.


	22. Chapter 22

Day 22 - April 5

talus  
navicular  
lacrimal  
tarsals  
cuboidal  
hyoid  
anvil  
pubis  
mandible  
fibula  
flutebone  
patella  
yokebone  
calcaneus  
femur  
ethmoid  
vomer  
ilium  
palatine  
temporal  
cuneiform  
heart

Seems like the more I cram down my gullet, the more beat-up I get. In the hunt after an irresistable string of thoracic backbones, half the damn bones in my old carcass got broke, smashed, pulverized, shot through, or blowed up. Spent more time replacin' the busted tatters than indulgin' my carniverous whimseys.

Warn't a complete waste - educational and even challengin'. The followin' is out of a book belongin' to a medical student:

'The bones of the wrist can be easily remembered with the acronym SLTPTTCH - _Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can't Handle._ (Scaphoid Lunate Triqetrium Pisiform Trapezium Trapezoid Capitate Hamate).'

That's too easy - jes' eight tiny bones? Not that I'd forget, but to memorialize the day's steadfast diet, here's an acronym: _The Nasty Lover That Cannot Handle A Position Might Favor __Flexibility - Puts Your Craving For Explicit__ Violence __In __Pretty Twisted __Context._

Speakin' of lovers tryin' positions they cain't handle, well I ain't found one yet.


	23. Chapter 23

Day 23 - April 6 (39.997N, 94.329W)

thymus  
coccyx  
hallux  
nose  
gullet  
liver  
tongue  
mandible  
uvula  
lights  
marrow  
adam's apple  
lips  
heart  
jugular vein  
phalanges  
subclavian vein  
acromion  
cornea  
vagus nerve  
mesothelium  
deltoids  
auriculares

I cain't eat another damn bite.

Made it a point, since time's run out again, to splurge on my favorites. Cain't believe I ate it all. Found the room somehow, always can. Hunger ain't just my modus operandi, it's my callin'.

Time for a long nap.

* * *

Thanks for reading my secret diary, you delectable little fraidy-cats. Catch ya next time around, if you're unlucky.


End file.
